Expectations

In a previous post, I wrote about my problems with a certain person. This person was someone I had considered a friend long before our arrival in Rome, Italy. We are no longer friends and life goes on. It doesn't bother me that we are no longer friends. Meanwhile, it does irk me that I allowed the negative situation, along with many others (e.g., homesickness, feelings of isolation, difficulties), to easily influence my writing. I want my writing to be positive during my time studying abroad. In accordance to that, I would like to hope that my experiences will be enjoyable for the rest of my time here.

I don't desire to unnecessarily speak ill of others or express any negativity through the words I write. Unfortunately, the bad is as inevitable as the good. I am human, after all. At times, I feel compelled to write about whatever emotional maladies I may possess in order to free myself of them. At the same time, however, I feel guilty for doing so. I feel somewhat ashamed to admit to my faults because I did not expect to encounter them during my travels. When I first began this journey, starting from when I even considered the possibility of studying abroad, I didn't expect anything less than the ideal: watching the sun set on the Mediterranean, walking down slick cobblestone streets, experiencing la dolce vita Italiana.

I neither expected nor desired to feel homesick, anxious, or contemptuous towards anyone. I never expected to feel anger towards the Italian salesclerks who have gotten impatient with my poor attempts at speaking Italian... or the fact that for some reason some don't like to make change for purchases less than 3/4 of the euro bill I offer. (Long story short, a lady at the supermarket yelled and glared at me for giving her a 20 euro bill for an ~11 euro purchase) I didn't imagine that I would feel alone, isolated, and far from my closest friends. I didn't expect to experience these things or write about them. I want to look back on these entries and reawaken sweet memories, not regret them. Unfortunately, that's how life is, isn't it? We firmly hold onto our expectations and nothing plays out the way we hope them to. Things seem to turn out far worse than we had hoped...

On the other hand, dear reader, in the end, perhaps things turn out far better than we could have imagined. I don't know if this is quite true, but I hold hope. In the past, I always found myself believing that my situation was at its worst. Yet, in retrospect, I would not replace the things I felt, tasted, heard, saw, thought, or came across during those days. I wish to believe that these times are just like any of those previous moments merely taking their due course.

That is why, dear reader, I write this: an apology and statement of conviction. This is an apology to myself, for allowing negative thoughts influence me so easily. This is also to state that I will write whatever my passions inspire. I wish to be honest with myself and with you. I will keep writing and erase nothing in the hope that things will make sense in the end.